“My wife gets angry and throws things, and twice she’s hit me. I’ve never hit her back. She says I’m the abusive one because I “shut down” and that if I ever told anyone, nobody would believe me. She controls our money and checks my phone. I keep thinking I’m overreacting because I’m bigger than her and I’m not scared of her physically. Am I being abused, or am I just bad at marriage?”
You are being abused. The hitting alone settles it, but even without the hitting, the pattern you describe, financial control, surveillance, threats about what happens if you tell, and the insistence that you are the real problem, is a textbook description of coercive control.
We get a version of this question from men more often than most people would guess, and it is almost always phrased the same way: with a list of facts that would be obvious if a woman wrote them, followed by “but maybe I’m overreacting.” This article is for the man who has that list and that doubt.
Why men don’t recognize abuse when it happens to them
Men miss abuse for reasons that have nothing to do with intelligence or self-awareness. The script does not exist. Every public description of domestic abuse assumes a male perpetrator and a female victim. When the roles are reversed, there is no template to recognize it against.
Size and strength confuse the picture. A man who could physically overpower his partner tends to conclude that he cannot be a victim. But abuse is a pattern of control, not a contest of strength. A smaller person with a willingness to escalate, a knife, a car, or a phone call to the police holds the power in that moment.
And the abuser’s story is usually persuasive. Men in these relationships are told, constantly, that they are controlling, cold, unstable, or abusive themselves. Hearing it enough times from someone who claims to love you works.
The CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey found that about one in three men experiences contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in his lifetime, and that among male victims of intimate partner rape, physical violence, or stalking, 97 percent reported only female perpetrators. This is common. It is also almost never named.
Eighteen signs men miss
Run through these honestly. One or two in isolation might be a bad relationship. A cluster is a pattern.
Physical
- She has hit, slapped, scratched, kicked, or bitten you, even once, and you told yourself it did not count because you were not hurt
- She throws things at you or near you when she is angry
- She has attacked you while you were asleep, driving, or holding a child
- She has threatened you with a weapon or an object, or blocked you from leaving a room
Control
- She controls the money: your paycheck goes to an account you cannot access, you need permission to spend, or she has run up debt in your name
- She monitors your phone, location, email, or social media, and gets angry if you change a password
- She decides who you can see, and your friends and family have quietly faded from your life
- She controls your schedule and punishes you for being late or going somewhere without her
Emotional
- She mocks you, calls you names, or humiliates you in front of others, then says you cannot take a joke
- She tells you that you are too sensitive, that you remember things wrong, or that something you clearly witnessed did not happen
- She gives you the silent treatment for days as punishment
- She threatens to hurt herself if you leave or disagree
- You rehearse what you are going to say before you get home, and you feel your body tense when you hear her car
Weaponizing the system
- She has threatened to call the police and say you hurt her
- She has threatened to take the children, or to tell a court you are dangerous
- She tells people you are abusive, unstable, or an alcoholic, so that if you ever speak up, the story is already in place
Sexual
- She pressures, guilts, or threatens you into sex, or withholds it as punishment and uses it as reward
- She has had sex with you when you were too drunk to consent, or when you said no
If you checked more than three, especially across more than one category, you are not overreacting.
“But I’m not scared of her”
Many men say this, and it is worth taking seriously, because it is usually true and usually beside the point. You may not be physically afraid of her. You are probably afraid of what happens if you respond: being arrested, losing the kids, being seen as the aggressor, losing the house. That fear is doing the same job physical fear does for a smaller victim. It keeps you compliant.
The restraint you are showing is admirable. It is also exactly what the abuse depends on.
What abuse does to a man over time
Living inside this pattern produces the same trauma responses as any other sustained threat. Hypervigilance at home. Emotional shutdown that your partner then cites as proof you are the cold one. Anxiety, depression, sleep problems, drinking more. A slow erosion of your sense of what is real and what you deserve. Men in these relationships often describe themselves as “a shell” of who they were.
None of this is a character flaw. It is a predictable response to coercive control, and it is treatable.
What to do next
Document. Keep a private, dated record of incidents, including photos of injuries and screenshots of threats. Store it somewhere she cannot access. If you are injured, get medical care and tell the provider what happened; medical records are evidence.
Do not retaliate, and do not stay in a room to argue. Leave. Go for a drive. If she escalates to violence, your safest move is distance, and if you need to call 911, call it; let the record show who called.
Protect your finances. Open an account in your own name. Get copies of financial documents. Know what your credit looks like.
Talk to a family law attorney before you make a move, especially if there are children. Custody dynamics for abused fathers are complicated, and the order of operations matters.
Tell one person you trust. Men in these relationships have typically told no one. One person who believes you changes the math.
Get a therapist who will believe you. At My Denver Therapy, our therapy for men abused by a partner starts with belief, moves to safety planning if you are still in the relationship, and treats the trauma with EMDR, Brainspotting, and Internal Family Systems. You can request a male or female therapist. Nothing is submitted to insurance, so there is no claim for a partner on a shared plan to see.
If you are in immediate danger
Call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) serves men. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988.
Frequently asked questions
Can a man be abused by his wife or girlfriend?
Yes. The CDC reports that about one in three men experiences physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking by an intimate partner, and among male victims the large majority report female perpetrators. Male victims are less likely to be believed and far less likely to report.
Is it abuse if she’s never hit me?
Yes, if there is a pattern of control: financial control, surveillance, isolation, humiliation, threats, or gaslighting. Coercive control is abuse whether or not it ever becomes physical.
What if she says I’m the abusive one?
Accusing the victim is one of the most common tactics in coercive control, and it works especially well against men. Document what is actually happening, talk to an attorney, and get a therapist who will assess the pattern honestly.
Will I be believed if I report it?
Not always, which is why documentation matters. Medical records, dated notes, photos, and a therapist’s records all help. Call 911 yourself if she becomes violent so the record shows who called.
Should I go to couples counseling?
Not while abuse is active. Couples therapy assumes two people with equal safety and power, and it can be used by an abuser to further control the narrative. Individual therapy comes first.
Where can men abused by a partner get therapy in Denver?
My Denver Therapy provides therapy for men abused by a partner at four Denver-area offices and online throughout Colorado, with a choice of male or female therapist. Call (720) 504-4329 or schedule a free, confidential consultation.
