About one in six men had an unwanted or abusive sexual experience before the age of 18. Nearly one in four men experiences some form of contact sexual violence in his lifetime, according to the CDC. Most of them have never told anyone, and most of them have never been to therapy for it.
If you are one of those men, this article is written for you. It explains why men wait, what the abuse tends to do over time, what therapy for male sexual abuse survivors actually involves, and what you can expect if you decide to reach out. It is not graphic, and it does not require you to have decided anything.
Why men wait decades
The average man who was sexually abused as a child tells someone for the first time in his thirties, forties, or later, if at all. The reasons are consistent across the men we see.
He is not sure it counts. Because he was older than the usual picture of a victim. Because it was a woman. Because his body responded. Because he went along with it. Because it only happened once. Because he was drunk. None of these change what it was.
He is afraid of what it says about him. Men carry a specific set of fears: that being abused means he is weak, that it means something about his sexuality, that people will assume he will become an abuser himself. These fears are common, they are wrong, and they are part of what therapy addresses.
He has built a life around not thinking about it. Work, drinking, exercise, relationships, anything that keeps the mind busy. The strategy works until it does not, usually when a child reaches the age he was, a relationship starts to require real intimacy, or the body starts producing symptoms without explanation.
Nobody asked. Doctors, previous therapists, partners. The question rarely gets asked of men, so the answer rarely gets given.
What sexual abuse does to men over time
The effects do not announce themselves as trauma. They show up as something else.
- Anger that seems out of proportion, or that he has worked hard to suppress
- Emotional numbness, difficulty feeling much of anything
- Anxiety, depression, or panic without an obvious trigger
- Difficulty with intimacy: avoiding it, or using sex to feel in control, or dissociating during it
- Substance use that started as a way to sleep or to stop thinking
- Confusion or distress about sexuality, especially when the abuser was the same sex or when the body responded
- Physical symptoms: chronic pain, gut problems, sleep disturbance
- A sense of being fundamentally different from other men, or fundamentally damaged
- Hypervigilance, startle, and discomfort with being touched
Men often arrive at therapy for one of these and discover the abuse underneath it. That is a normal path, and it is fine to start with the symptom.
What therapy for male sexual abuse survivors involves
The fear that keeps most men out of therapy is that they will have to describe what happened, in detail, to a stranger. That is not how trauma therapy works anymore.
You choose the therapist. Some men need a male therapist to feel safe with this. Some need a female therapist, especially if the abuser was a man. At My Denver Therapy you tell us on the first call and we match accordingly.
Stabilization comes first. Before anything is processed, you learn to regulate your nervous system, to notice when you are getting activated, and to come back down. For many men this phase alone changes daily life, and nothing about the abuse has to be discussed to get there.
Processing does not require retelling. EMDR and Brainspotting resolve traumatic memory at the level of the nervous system. You hold the memory in mind; you do not have to narrate it. Men who have avoided therapy for twenty years because they could not imagine saying it out loud frequently find they never have to.
Shame is treated directly. Internal Family Systems works with the parts of you that have carried the secret, the part that blames you, and the part that is still a boy waiting for someone to notice. Those parts had jobs. In therapy, they get to stop.
The body is included. Somatic therapy restores a sense of ownership and safety in a body that learned early it had neither.
Intimacy and sexuality are addressed, when you are ready. Confusion about arousal during abuse, about sexual orientation, or about current sexual functioning is common and workable. It is addressed at your pace, without assumptions.
Other treatment is available when needed. Our psychiatric nurse practitioner provides medication management when symptoms call for it, and for trauma that has not responded to years of treatment we offer ketamine-assisted psychotherapy.
Questions men ask before they call
Does it count if my body responded? Yes. Physical arousal during abuse is a reflex, not consent and not desire. Abusers often use it to convince victims they wanted it. They did not.
Does it count if it was a woman? Yes. Sexual abuse of boys by women is under-reported and often treated as a joke or a rite of passage. It is neither. The CDC reports that among men who were made to penetrate someone, the large majority report female perpetrators.
Does it count if I was a teenager and it was an older teen or an adult? Yes. Age and power differences define abuse, whether or not you felt like a participant at the time.
Will I be reported, or will my abuser? Therapists in Colorado are mandatory reporters for current abuse of children. Abuse that happened to you as a child, by someone who no longer has access to children, generally does not trigger a report. Your therapist will explain the specifics at the first session, before you disclose anything.
Will this be on my record? We are a private-pay practice. Nothing is submitted to insurance. Your records stay with your therapist, within the limits of Colorado law.
Where to start
You do not have to be ready to talk about it. You have to be willing to call. Our therapy for men who have been abused covers sexual abuse alongside childhood and partner abuse, and the first conversation is a free consultation where you can say as much or as little as you want. Request a male or female therapist. Call (720) 504-4329 or schedule online.
Peer support exists too. 1in6.org offers free, anonymous online support groups for male survivors, and MaleSurvivor.org hosts a long-running community. Many men use both peer support and therapy.
If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.
Frequently asked questions
How common is sexual abuse of boys and men?
About one in six men had an unwanted or abusive sexual experience before age 18, and nearly one in four men experiences contact sexual violence in his lifetime, according to the CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey. The numbers are considered underestimates because men under-report.
What is the best therapy for male survivors of sexual abuse?
Trauma-focused approaches that do not require detailed retelling: EMDR, Brainspotting, Internal Family Systems, and somatic therapy. Treatment begins with stabilization, processes the trauma when the client is ready, and addresses shame, intimacy, and identity throughout.
Do I have to describe what happened?
No. EMDR and Brainspotting process traumatic memory without a verbal account, and your therapist will never push you past what you can tolerate.
Can I choose a male or female therapist?
Yes. Tell us your preference when you call and we will match you accordingly.
Is it too late to get help if it happened decades ago?
No. Most men who seek therapy for childhood sexual abuse do so in their thirties, forties, or later. Trauma treatment works regardless of how long ago the abuse occurred.
Where can male survivors of sexual abuse get therapy in Denver?
My Denver Therapy provides therapy for male survivors at four Denver-area offices and online throughout Colorado. Call (720) 504-4329 or schedule a free, confidential consultation.
