Most people think of grief as something that happens after a loss. But grief doesn’t always wait. When someone you love is seriously ill, when a relationship is ending slowly, when you know a major change is coming — grief can arrive long before the loss itself. That’s called anticipatory grief, and it’s one of the most exhausting and least supported forms of grief there is.
At My Denver Therapy, our Denver grief counselors regularly work with clients who are grieving someone who is still alive — and navigating the particular anguish of loving someone while simultaneously losing them.
What Is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is the experience of mourning that occurs in anticipation of a future loss. The term was first introduced by psychiatrist Erich Lindemann in 1944, and has since been extensively studied in the context of terminal illness, dementia, and other chronic conditions.
It’s not just sadness about what’s coming. Anticipatory grief involves many of the same emotional processes as grief after a loss — mourning the present, the future, and even the past simultaneously. You may grieve the relationship you have now, the relationship you’ll never get to have, and the version of the person you once knew, all at the same time.
Common Causes of Anticipatory Grief
- A loved one diagnosed with a terminal illness
- Watching a parent or partner decline with dementia or Alzheimer’s
- A relationship that’s slowly ending
- Knowing you’ll need to relocate away from a community you love
- A child leaving home (empty nest grief)
- Anticipated loss of a job, career, or life chapter
- Your own serious illness or declining health
What Anticipatory Grief Feels Like
Anticipatory grief is often complicated by the fact that life continues — you still have to go to work, care for others, maintain relationships — while internally you may be experiencing profound loss. Common experiences include:
- Waves of sadness, often triggered by specific moments with your loved one
- Anxiety about the future — what it will look like, how you’ll cope
- A sense of unreality, or feeling like you’re going through the motions
- Guilt about grieving while the person is still alive
- Anticipating the relief when it’s over — and then feeling guilty about that
- Difficulty being present with your loved one, because the grief pulls you forward
- Exhaustion from caregiving combined with emotional weight of the impending loss
Does Anticipatory Grief Make the Loss Easier?
This is one of the most common questions our Denver grief counselors hear. The research is nuanced: anticipatory grief doesn’t “use up” your grief in advance, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll grieve less intensely after the loss. But it can help in some ways — giving you time to have important conversations, resolve unfinished business, and build some internal preparation for what’s ahead.
What it consistently does is create its own distinct suffering that deserves attention — not as rehearsal for “real” grief, but as real grief in its own right.
How Grief Therapy Helps with Anticipatory Grief
A grief therapist can help you:
- Create space to grieve the present without guilt
- Navigate the particular challenges of loving someone you’re already losing
- Manage caregiver stress and burnout alongside grief
- Have conversations with your loved one that feel important before it’s too late
- Prepare emotionally for the loss while staying connected to the life you have now
Grief Counseling in Denver for Anticipatory Loss
My Denver Therapy’s grief counselors are available in Denver, Greenwood Village, Lone Tree, and Arvada, plus telehealth throughout Colorado. You don’t have to wait until after the loss to get support. Reach out today — we have appointments available this week.
