Does this cycle sound familiar? One partner asks for more closeness or communication, and the other partner feels overwhelmed and pulls away. This “pulling away” triggers more anxiety in the first partner, who then pursues harder, causing the second partner to retreat further.
In the therapy world, we call this the Anxious-Avoidant Trap. In a high-energy, fast-paced city like Denver, where we value independence and “living our best life,” these attachment wounds often collide in painful ways.
Understanding the Players
To break the cycle, you first have to understand the two primary “insecure” attachment styles that create this trap:
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The Anxious-Attacher (The Pursuer): You crave intimacy and often worry that your partner doesn’t want to be as close as you do. When you feel a “disconnect,” your nervous system goes into overdrive to “fix” it.
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The Avoidant-Attacher (The Distancer): You value your independence and may feel “suffocated” when a partner gets too close too fast. When conflict arises, your instinct is to withdraw to your “den” to regulate.
Why This Happens in the Denver “Dating Scene”
We often see this dynamic in our LoHi and RiNo clients. The “Denver Independence” mindset—where we pride ourselves on our solo 14ers and career autonomy—can actually be a mask for avoidant attachment. Conversely, the transplant experience (moving to Denver alone) can heighten anxious attachment as people search for security in a new city.
3 Steps to “Earned Security”
The good news? Your attachment style is not a life sentence. You can develop Earned Secure Attachment.
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Step 1: Identify the “Protest Behaviors”: Anxious partners might triple-text; avoidant partners might stop responding for two days. Recognizing these as “cries for safety” rather than personal attacks is the first step.
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Step 2: The “Soft Start-Up”: Instead of saying “You never talk to me,” try the “Denver Soft Start-Up”: “I’m feeling a little disconnected after a long week; can we have 20 minutes of phone-free time?”
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Step 3: Co-Regulation: Learn to calm each other’s nervous systems. If the avoidant partner needs space, they must provide a “return time” (e.g., “I need an hour to decompress from work, but I’ll be back for dinner”). This settles the anxious partner’s fear of abandonment.
How We Help
At My Denver Therapy, we specialize in Relational Life Therapy (RLT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). We don’t just “talk about your week”—we get into the literal wiring of how you connect, helping you move from a “trap” to a “team.”
